Carin Marcus recently spoke to a Nechama audience about how to talk to children about death.
Carin is a psychologist with a special interest in oncology, palliative care, grief, loss and bereavement. Beside her many years of professional engagement with the subject, she has personal experience, having lost her father in the Helderberg plane crash when she was a young child. After working in the field for 25 years, she explains that she’s developed a relationship with death as a teacher of life. While it brings up feelings of fear, vulnerability, impotence and anxiety, it also teaches us to appreciate and embrace the preciousness of life by teaching us about the impermanence of being.
We try to protect our children from conversation around death and dying, but they are aware of it, especially during this time of COVID. Often our discomfort stems from our own internal narrative, and our children witness us deferring the conversation or talking about it in hushed tones, This communicates that death is something to be feared. Honest and fact-based dialogue are key to demystifying this perception. They also need to see their parents experiencing and expressing appropriate emotions, but also to know that it passes and things will be ok again.
It is always important to be honest and factual. Euphemisms such as ‘somebody lost a relative’, is often taken literally and can lead to confusion. We need to use the “D-words” — death, died, dying — which can be difficult even for adults. Let your children know that they can ask you anything. If they are comfortable asking, you can take your cue from the question as to how much detail to give. When they are ready, they’ll ask the next question.
Carin gives some great examples of how we can use concrete imagery to help children understand some difficult concepts around death. The seasonal nature of leaves teaches them that all living things have their natural lifespan — beginning, ending, and life in-between. This cycle of life is happening around us all the time. Different creatures have different lifespans.
Grieving can be compared to an injury. Initially it will be very sore and bleed, then a scab will form, and eventually there’ll be a scar that’s barely visible, and no longer painful.
To explain the difference between the body and soul, she uses the metaphor of a glove. The hand in the glove is the living part, the glove without the hand is like the body when the soul has left.
Ritual and creativity can be helpful in processing feelings, saying goodbye, and maintaining a bond with the deceased. For example, the child can decorate a stone and give it to an adult to take to the cemetery. If they ask what heaven’s like, don’t impose your vision, ask them to describe or draw what they imagine heaven to be. It is most important to communicate hope for the future. Acknowledge that it’s hard now but that it will be ok. Let them tell you what they’re looking forward to.
Carin gives a brief overview of the developmental stages, and stresses the importance of using these as a guide when addressing the topic with children, as this indicates their ability to grasp certain concepts.
Age 0-2/3: Children can’t understand the concept of the permanence of death, but they will pick up on the mood in their environment. If a child this age has lost someone close, they might experience a “double loss” as they grow up, because they will not have a memory of that person. It is therefore important to help “build a memory” through pictures, conversation and ritual, so that the child has a sense of who that special person was.
Age 3-4: They start to understand life cycles, but have not yet developed concrete thinking. Life as quite magical, and anything is possible, so they are unable to understand the concept of permanence.
Age 5/6 to pre-adolescence: This is when they start to develop concrete thinking, and so they begin to understand that if someone has died, they can’t come back. They also develop a sense of universality which allows them to understand that what happens to others can also happen to them. They might express grief through behaviour patterns of anxiety and regression. Carin confirms that this is the age-group that presents most often for therapy, but goes on to say that therapy is not always needed, and that the decision should be based on how severe and how long these behaviours present, and how much they impact the child’s daily life. However there’s no harm in seeking therapeutic help if unsure.
Adolescence: They are capable of contemplating the meaning of life, and engaging in existential thinking. While this allows greater capacity to find meaning, it can also result in increased anxiety. And while they are now more capable of empathy, adolescence is often a time of callousness. It is particularly important at this age for them to feel included in the conversation.
Nechma Counselling for the Bereaved
contact admin@nechama.org.za or 021 462 5520 (8h00-12h30) www.nechama.co.za
• Published in the print edition of the May 2021 issue. Download the May 2021 issue PDF here.
• Visit our Portal to the Jewish Community to see a list of all the Jewish organisations in Cape Town with links to their websites.
• Sign up for our newsletter and never miss another issue!
• Please support the Cape Jewish Chronicle with a voluntary Subscription. For payment info click here.
Follow the Chronicle: Facebook | Instagram | Twitter | LinkedIn
