There were few dry eyes in the room as former Capetonian Martine Ben Harush (née Gordon) shared the story at a recent Nechama breakfast event of losing her 20-year-old son, Shoam. With remarkable honesty and courage, she spoke not only about unimaginable grief, but also about the enduring love, kindness and humanity that continue to define her son’s legacy.
Shoam, the second youngest of Martine and her husband’s six children, was critically injured during the October 7 attacks and died three weeks later.
“When you lose a child, your sense of time changes,” Martine told the audience. “My life changed 968 days ago, when we finally had to say goodbye to Shoam.”
Although nearly two years have passed, the pain remains ever present.
“Grief of this magnitude is paralysing,” she said. “I can’t just shake it off and pretend that everything is okay.”
Throughout her talk, Martine spoke candidly about the loneliness that often accompanies bereavement. Many adults, she explained, simply do not know what to say and, as a result, avoid the conversation altogether. Yet it has been human connection – particularly through the children she teaches – that has helped her find the strength to keep moving forward.
A high school English teacher who treasures the school environment, Martine said she has found it easiest to speak about Shoam with her students.
“Children are just more honest and real,” she reflected. Their compassion, willingness to listen and genuine concern have brought her immense comfort during the darkest period of her life.
Amid the heartbreak, there have also been moments that have deepened her understanding of the son she lost.
“I learned things about Shoam after his death that I didn’t know beforehand,” she said.
Among those discoveries was a letter Shoam had written before the outbreak of the war, which she read only after his passing. In it, he expressed a profound appreciation for life and gratitude for all that the world had given him.
During the family’s shiva, friends and acquaintances shared stories of Shoam’s quiet acts of kindness and his sensitivity towards people who were struggling – qualities that continued to emerge long after his death.
One story that particularly moved Martine concerned a young boy with special needs who now visits Shoam’s grave every Friday. The boy had first met Shoam when Shoam visited the boy’s family because his brother had served alongside him before October 7. Shoam had formed a special bond with the boy, engaging with him in a way few others could.
Perhaps the most profound expression of Shoam’s compassion was a wish he had shared before his death – that his organs should be donated if anything ever happened to him. Despite their overwhelming grief, Martine and her husband honoured that request.
“As a result,” Martine told the audience, “five other people are alive because of Shoam.”
As the breakfast drew to a close, those present were left not only with the weight of a mother’s loss, but also with the extraordinary legacy of a young man whose generosity continues to touch lives. In sharing her family’s story, Martine reminded everyone present that, while grief may never disappear, love, kindness and human connection have the power to endure long after a life has ended.
More about Nechama
Established over 30 years ago, Nechama provides specific Jewish bereavement and palliative care counselling to the Cape Town Jewish community. In addition to trained psychologists and social workers, the organisation offers support through its 25 volunteer counsellors, all of whom have been trained, selected and supervised by Nechama to serve in this role. Through compassionate one-on-one support, and telephone outreach to newly bereaved families, Nechama helps individuals and families navigate grief and adjust to life after loss. These support services are available to anyone no matter their location, with counselling being done online all over the world.
The organisation also strengthens community wellbeing through mental health workshops, public lectures, counselling skills training, and outreach programmes that extend beyond the Jewish community.
The organisation falls under the leadership of Director Avigail Popack, Psychological Services Co-ordinator Sarit Swisa and Admin Manager Shana Isserow.
The Nechama website offers numerous valuable resources. Click here to visit the website.
